Welcome to the Jungle…

Posted: May 26, 2008 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Those National Geographic adventurers who trek into the brush to spot  rare creatures?  Yeah.  Those pansies have nothing on me.  Sure, they may be facing lions and rhinos and such, but clearly I’m in much more peril.  Let me give you the rundown of my apartment complex…or as I like to call it, the Suburban Wildlife Cube Sanctuary…

1. The native peoples
         Apparently, we have a feral two-year-old that lives in the unit above us.  Each hour of every day, he greets either the sun or the moon  by shrieking in some untranslatable native chant into the vent in his floor/my ceiling and stomping his intricate ritual dance.  Volume is clearly important to his gods.  Today, we were awakened with the auditorily stunning “Splashing of Water From Tub and Screaming” ritual.  Sadly, this is one of his more common displays and not as special as his two A.M. Call to the Neglectful Parents.  But still, as I stared up at the  gaping hole in the leaking ceiling above and readjusted the half full bucket underneath, I was reminding myself of what a treat  it was to hear such things outside of a zoo.  That was, until I was granted a spectacular display by one of…

2. The native beasts 
        The escalating throat singing of the rare Blind Obsessive Compulsive Contraband Kitty sang out suddenly through the land.  Apparently, once BOCCK decides that it’s time for ALL humans in the apartment to be up, he means NOW, even if they were intending to go back to bed after their morning trip to the bathroom.  This is why my alarm clock is on the floor, unplugged AND sans backup batteries.  Oversleeping?  What’s that?! Who needs an alarm clock when I have such a thoughtful pet!    Which brings us to…

3.  Roommaticus Drinkus Last-of-coffeeus. 
          Who, in his morning ritual tends to turn up the TV with either South Park or MTV videos playing loud enough to drown out both the native peoples of the neighboring territories and the calls of the BOCCK, and THEN drinks the remaining coffee left in the pot from the night before. Dear god, some days I long for extinction. Luckily, there was 1/3 of a cup left to offer up as a sacrifice to the Evil Bitch Monster.  This gave me just enough time to brew a very strong pot before the Evil Bitch Monster snapped and took out the rest of the Suburban Wildlife Cube Sanctuary without mercy, starting with the Roommaticus Drinkus Last-of-coffeeus.  Luckily, the sweet nectar in the bottom of the cup was enough to tide me…er,  the Evil Bitch Monster over, until the new pot was done a’brewin.  With cup two now making it’s way down the gullet, I can say with reasonable certainty that even Feral Two-Year-Old shall remain to see another day….  As long as we don’t run out of caramel creamer.

  1. sniadecki says:

    Someone should really setup a preserve for these species, and relocate them… preferably onto an island somewhere.
    I pity you come mating season. 😦

    • leahclifford says:

      Luckily, the mating couple’s bedroom is above Roomie’s and the female of the species is already 6 months into the next litter so hopefully for roomie’s sake, there won’t be much of that for awhile.

  2. cristiaentel says:

    Nice. I wish Nat geo could be this entertaining.

  3. Oops. Guess I shouldn’t have mailed that mutant pygmy hairless squawking rat to you guys yesterday. I hear they can get pretty noisy. And cranky when they don’t get coffee. But hey, on the plus side, I think you only have to feed them like once a year. Yeah, and I’m guessing you can guess what their favorite food is. (Do you have any extra large traps for the two year old? That might help.)

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